The War on Weather

Bush Declares War. Resources No Limit

Following last week’s assault on New Orleans by hurricane Katrina, President Bush Jnr has formally declared war on weather. In a Whitehouse statement today, he said that all military resources necessary would be made available for this new campaign, which was essential for ensuring the country’s future security.

When questioned about the exact nature and purpose of declaring war on an abstract concept, as opposed to a tangible enemy, he cited the war on terror. The comment silenced the critics.

Senior U.S. intelligence agencies have already identified a number of possible targets. It is understood that the U.K., a U.S. former ally, is known to harbour a considerable quantity of weather, and this is likely to be the U.S.’s first target. Experts disagree over the likely nature of the first strike. Some believe Bush is likely to order a blanket bombing of the U.K. to ensure all pockets of weather are destroyed, others suggest a more targeted attack using cruise missiles against the Met. Office. Critics of the latter theory argue that the Met. Office have rarely demonstrated any actual knowledge regarding weather, and such an attack would have little effect.

The Department of Homeland security has also been searching for alleged weather training camps, where some of the worst assaults are prepared. Many eye witnesses believe these are likely to be found in the hills of Scotland, although others believe the Lake District is a likely candidate. Meanwhile back home President Bush has stated that he will take personal charge of the search, rescue and rebuilding programme, and that he will not sleep until the task is completed. New Orleans residents still alive, however, have not been re-assured. ‘Lightning sure does have a funny way of striking twice’ said one elderly lady from the striken area, who only received her first ration pack (from El Salvador) yesterday, six days after Katrina struck.

Filed under: Amusing Stuff
Posted at 11:35:00 BST on 5th September 2005.

About Matt Godbolt

Matt Godbolt is a C++ developer working in Chicago in the finance industry.